This is Not an Apple Watch Review

This is not an Apple Watch review, because no one is going to buy an Apple Watch based on a review anyway. Because most reviews are just excuses for writers to use their company's money to buy toys and play with them, and to act like they know what's going to work and what isn't.

If you follow the business media regularly, then this is for you, because you're going to see 500 Apple Watch review headlines, and you're going to want to Apple Watch yourself crawl right back into bed. I have never seen an Apple Watch in real life, and probably won't until I get invited to an exclusive party in the city where an established young gentleman exhibits the device while uncorking a bottle of expensive champagne. Hopefully, it'll be a while until that day comes. But even so, I feel fully confident in saying this: the Apple Watch is an amazing product, and people are going to buy it, and Apple Inc. (NASDAQ:AAPL) is going to make a lot of money.

The learning curve may be steep on the Apple Watch, as one reviewer observed. So what? Do you think most people are buying the Apple Watch to actually use it? Please introduce yourself to the 21st century. Most people will probably forget to charge their Apple Watch for a week, and still wear it around. Because it looks cool, and it's made by Apple, and do you have one? No? Haha! Loser. People will be wearing around dead Apple Watches and still checking them, because if you don't have an Apple Watch, how will you know that there's not some cool feature where only the device's true owner can read it?

This is not an Apple Watch review, because who cares if "you'll want one, but you don't need one," as one review put it. That could be said for every popular American product. Do I need a DVR for every TV in my house? Do I need a large Oreo McFlurry? No, but I want them both. If people can't think of anything else to put on their Christmas lists, they'll just throw Apple Watch on there. Then they'll get it, count their calories for 16 days, give up on that and go back to eating ice cream cake, eventually breaking the thing by jumping in their pool. (I'm guessing the Apple Watch is waterproof, since Apple probably didn't forget about rain. But whatever.)

"The best smartwatch on the market," hailed another reviewer. Well, that's a shocker. I couldn't even name another smartwatch. Samsung has something, I know, but no one cares about them. Aside from that, who is Apple outdoing?

In another article: "The smartwatch finally makes sense." Yes, finally. After all these years, all the struggles, all the frustration and missed opportunities, finally we've encountered a smartwatch that makes sense. This day will be forever heralded as the day that changed history.

"It's not perfect, but it's still fantastic." Well, of course it's not perfect. Was the first iPhone perfect? The first Mac? The first Big Mac? (I'm recognizing a McDonald's theme). Nothing is perfect on the first try, let alone a device that most people are counting on to change their lifestyle and help them age to 105. In two years, there will be the Apple Watch II and it'll weigh eight pounds, expanding on the fitness theme by acting as a free weight in and of itself. You'll just have to switch arms every third day. Then it'll be perfect. Can't wait to read the reviews on that.

Most of these reviews are ramblings about precious metals and features you don't even care about. Put elegantly, all you have to know is that the Apple Watch is probably a really nice product that does cool stuff. If you have the money, buy one. If not, get a Fitbit.